Six weeks post-explant, and honestly, I’m not happy with my results. Immediately following surgery, I was elated to have the procedure behind me, and I was genuinely pleased with the staff, surgeon, and surgical team at Aqua Plastic Surgery. Still, I’m trying to cope with my deformed breast.
I’d like to consider myself fairly resilient, especially given all that I’ve survived in my +47 years. I thought I was prepared to handle the possibility of being permanently disfigured, but I’m not taking it well.
Granted, I started my implant journey with one boob, so why did I think I’d come out the other side of explant with two normal boobs? Because I had assurances from my surgeon and I had hope. Given all of the success stories I’d read after first learning about Breast Implant Illness, I allowed hope to bolster my resolve to have surgery.
Sure, before surgery, I convinced myself that the most important thing I should focus on was getting those toxic boob bags out of my body so that I could feel like a healthy person again, but deep down, I hoped I would have somewhat normal-looking boobs after. After all the pain, agony, and expense, didn’t I deserve to walk away with the consolation prize of two somewhat normal-sized boobs? Apparently not.
I created i am not my boobs because I wanted to believe that no matter what, my boobs, or lack thereof, did not and would not define me. I wanted to share encouragement and support with other suffering ladies, but now, as I look at myself in the mirror, I feel defeated and ugly and like a fraud.
It was easier to believe my mantra when I hoped my results would look better, but not so much in the face of reality. Of course, my surgeon and a few ladies in the BII support groups keep trying to convince me that my boobs are still changing and that eventually the “Fluff Fairy” will visit and I’ll have two healthy-looking boobs, but I’m not feeling it… at all.
So what do I do now? That’s an excellent question. When you figure it out, please clue me in.
Mostly, I’m talking about the short-term. Day-to-day isn’t easy. I’m thankful I didn’t have any infection or significant swelling, but I still have some pain, and my incisions are still tender. I have indentions where the implants were that I’ve started “cupping” and massaging.
I can sleep on my sides for longer periods since explant, I can comfortably lift both arms over my head, and my strength with lifting things is relatively good; small wins. Physically, I am doing well. I’m healing, but spiritually and emotionally, I’m not there yet.
And yes, I am incredibly grateful and appreciate that others are doing far worse than I am, but that in no way invalidates how I’m feeling about myself right now. And right now, I’m doing the best that I can.
And so, here we are. In the days immediately following surgery, I took notes, hoping that I would have bounds of energy and focus to share my explant experience. Honestly, my energy levels ebb and flow. I don’t immediately ascribe that to BII or post-op recovery. I could easily attribute my energy and mood to several things, namely, moving across the country in an RV, acclimating to a new city and climate, starting a new job, and a host of other things.
My point is I hope I can provide a glimpse of what to expect. In no way am I implying that your experience will mirror mine. Every person’s surgery and recovery will be different. For what it’s worth, this is a breakdown of my first ten days post-explant:
Thursday, 10/11 – Eviction Day/Day 1 – Surgery took approximately 2.5 hours to remove 240 ccs implant from my right breast and 390 ccs implant from my left breast.
Hubs said that it took about 50 minutes for me to shake off anesthesia to be discharged. I vaguely remember waking up. I don’t remember getting dressed, but I remember the nurse putting me in the car and getting home. I slept for about 3 hours before feeling the need to get up and walk around, which was a mistake because it didn’t take long for me to start feeling nauseous.
I ate a bit of soup to take some anti-nausea meds and antibiotics – I did not need any prescribed pain meds as my boobs, chest, and armpits were still numb from the nerve block*. And I drank a little prune juice to fend off possible constipation from anesthesia.
I opted for the nerve block because I was worried that my implants were severely stuck to my rib cage, which would possibly require lots more work than a “standard” explant, and I was sure that would hurt like a mother*cker. In hindsight, I can’t definitively say that I regret getting it because I had minimal pain following surgery… yay! Buuut… I STILL have numbness in my breast and nipples that could result from the nerve block meds.
In a drug-induced haze, I sent a text to a few friends and family:
“Surgery went fine. Sleeping off the anesthesia. Call you later.”
Friday, 10/12 – Day 2 – Still no severe pain, but very woozy. I assumed feeling woozy was residual anesthesia, but it was from the blood pressure patch I was wearing. I was not told there were any complications with my blood pressure or that I would require blood pressure medication post-surgery. So, I don’t know if something happened during or directly after surgery or if the patch was a mere precaution.
Although I didn’t feel hungry, but I ate a bit of soup to take antibiotics, Arnica Forte, and Tylenol. I’m really glad I made a large pot of kale, white bean, and quinoa soup the day before surgery.
Today, I had my first post-op check-up, where the Saran Wrap dressing and blood pressure patch were removed, and I got the first thumbs-up from the doc. Later that day, I texted my surgeon, thanking him for not killing me, and he was kind enough to respond with a video showing my implants enbloc.
Enbloc – implants removed with scar tissue “capsule” intact vs. removing implant by cutting open the capsule. This was important because I was concerned my body would be exposed to toxins if my implants ruptured or were punctured.
Text to my bestie:
“Hi, honey. Still groggy, tender where drains are in but manageable. Just left the first checkup with Dr. Everything looks good! Nothing bad in or around implants. I got to see the video of cutting open the implant capsules.”
Saturday, 10/13 – Day 3 – Woke up from a very graphic sensual dream! Yes, about my hubs. Could my libido be making a comeback?! (The answer is yes 🥳 )
Text to my Auntie:
“Very little drainage today. I’m okay. Still groggy but okay. Sleeping it off. Walked a bit today at Walmart.”
I started to feel a little muscle tenderness, likely because I was already trying to do too much, so I added muscle relaxer meds at bedtime.
Sunday, 10/14 – Day 4 – I had my first bowel movement. Go prunes.
Monday, 10/15 – Day 5 – Second post-op doctor visit, remaining bandages and drains removed… Thank God!! Those drains are the Devil. I got a blessing from doc to start retaking my CBD oil, shower, and instruction to gently massage my boobies.
Text to bestie:
“I’m still not 100 percent but feeling much better. Less groggy. Still numb so no pain. Overall, feeling good. Doc says I’m healing really well and fast.”
Tuesday, 10/16 – Day 6 – My arm movements are still limited, but I was able to help pack up the RV for the 3-hour drive back home.
Wednesday, 10/17 – Day 7 – Text to bestie:
“I feel really good! Today I showered and dried by myself AND lifted my arms to put on a shirt! Some minor tenderness.”
I realize I can take deep breaths for the first time in I don’t know how long, and it feels incredible!
Thursday, 10/18 – Day 8 – Text to bestie:
“Did I really have surgery one week ago today?! Crazy.”
Text to Dr:
“Good morning Dr. Dev! I hope you’re feeling as fantastic as I am… minus the ickies. Icky scars are normal, right? That means there’s healthy healing going on, right? Please say yes 😁”
I meant “itchies,” but icky worked too.
I sent him photos. His reply:
“Hey hey Yes icky will get better. Looking good. Normal healing!!”
When I reported that I stopped wearing the surgical bra, I got my hand slapped. Dr:
“You need some form of compression. A sports bra is fine.”
Heck, I figured that since my boobs were barely there, I didn’t need one, but I did some research, and it turns out that compression after surgery helps with inflammation and helps prevent raised scars. The more you know.
Friday, 10/19 – Day 9 – Hubs drove me to Walmart to buy sports bras, and I felt really good walking around, so good that I decided to write about my explant experience and nervously publish it on Medium, Instagram, my personal Facebook profile, and a few BII Facebook groups.
The immediate response to my first post about BII and explant was amazing. At that point, I’d yet to share what was happening to me with many people. I’m incredibly grateful for the love and support. I am especially thankful to the ladies who sent me private messages stating that they had changed their minds about getting implants because of my post. You all made me feel that sharing my story had a purpose. Thank you.
Also noticeable was a change in my vision. My eyes felt different, in a good way. Things didn’t look flat. Colors looked more vibrant, and I could see what looked like more detail and more depth. It sounds cliche, but it was like my eyes were opened after a long sleep.
Begrudgingly, I started wearing a sports bra even though I felt and looked really good without one.
Saturday, 10/20 – Day 10 – Beginning around mid-day, I started having pain, mostly in my right breast pectoral area but under both breasts close to the armpit, not far off from where drains were put in. And yet, I still managed to cook a full dinner – sauteed kale, quinoa, and chicken – but the pain started getting bad after dinner. I was in agony by bedtime, so I took Hydrocodone and 10 drops of CBD oil. I attempted to sleep propped up because the pain in my right breast was so severe that I couldn’t lay flat on my back. Finally, the pain meds kicked in, but they made me itch and feel trippy. Because my right breast was the “good” one, needless to say, I was very concerned that there was something seriously wrong.
Sunday, 10/21 – Day 11 – Despite having a pain-filled night with very little sleep, I managed to have some very satisfying morning sex… obviously, things aren’t that bad 🤭
Monday, 10/22 – Day 12 – I sent messages to the surgery concierge and surgeon, telling them that I was sure my increased pain was due to wearing the sports bra. I got permission to go bra-less. Perhaps there wasn’t a connection, but the pain subsided a few hours after removing and ditching the sports bra.
I’ll add that I took Arnica Forte, Tylenol, Vitamin C, and Vitamin D, and ate and drank pineapple juice several times a day, every day after my second post-op visit. I’d like to think it all helped. Additionally, I adopted a pre-surgery regimen that I’ll post soon.
Fast forward, I took photos of my breasts from day one until this week, and it’s disheartening to see what looks and feels like a decline. I do know that eventually, I will be okay; I always am.
If you are facing explant surgery or are recovering, I hope you feel good about yourself and what lies ahead.
This post was originally written in November 2018.
